where has my head been?

how in God's name did i manage to start a blog in the middle of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not write a single post about hockey and my beloved Red Wings?!

quickie recap: the Wings beat out nashville, colorado, and dallas to face pittsburgh in the Stanley Cup finals. game 4 of said finals was last night, and detroit now leads the series 3-1!!!! YES!!! YESSSSSSSS!!! game 5 is monday night, here at joe louis arena (the Joe), and since a team must win 4 out of 7, and the Wings in all probability will win that 4th game on monday...the Cup will actually be there! at the Joe! ready to be presented! there is no better drama than an arena full of hockey fans (and two teams...hell, an entire city!) high on feeling the presence of the oldest championship trophy in sports. detroit has won the Cup three times in the last 11 years. you can bet your sweet bippy i'll be skipping class on monday night.

so yesterday was also my cousin j's wedding. i had a lot of mixed emotions...joy for my cousin and at seeing my dad's side of the family, for sure, but also a fair bit of envy. why? two reasons: a) her wedding is legally recognized, and (this is going to sound awful) b) my straight younger sister got engaged about a week after i did, is getting married 21 days before me, and...well...all she had to do was stick out that left hand and everyone squealed. i have a ring too, and i love it more than i'd ever love a diamond ring because it is so personal and so symbolic to loaf and i...but i spent the evening waiting for the excitement to die down and saying "by the way, i'm getting married next summer too." i missed loaf in the worst way. not that my family was any less excited about our engagement than my sister's - they were totally pumped, can't wait to meet loaf, and i am beyond blessed to have such awesome relatives - but it really bites to feel like an afterthought. i adore my sister, and we're so excited to have each other to bounce wedding ideas off of, and a therapist would probably say that this has more to do with my feelings of always having been outshone by her (to the extent that i'm continually surprised that my niece gravitates toward ME...i've never been the cool one!), and of frustration at having a sibling so close in age that it has made me territorial about what is MINE and what is HERS, than with being a lesbian. but still. it hurts to feel like you're on the outside looking in. it hurts to feel like a second-class citizen. it hurts to know that my marriage won't be legal in this country for quite some time. add to that my being extremely physically uncomfy (strapless bra and girly dress do not a happy luckdragon make...all night i had lines from Ever After running through my head: "you look like a girl!" "that's what i am, half-wit!" "yeah, but today you look it!"), and it made for an interesting internal mindscape. oh yeah, and when my niece and i were in the buffet line, a table full of people were openly staring at me and whispering and laughing to each other. apparently they'd never seen a dread-headed dyke dragon before. MY family thinks i look great, and wouldn't judge me if i showed up covered in purple feathers from head to toe. which brings me to the night's other three emotions - love, gratitude, and pride. i love my family so much, i am so f*cking grateful to have been brought up in an environment of unconditional love and valuing individuality, and i am beyond proud to be a part of their clan.